Copyright 1999 -- Robert Baer Jr. The Renegade Files - "Dinner at the McCandles" PROLOGUE >This is the story of a superhero, The Computer Renegade, as told through >the eyes of his faithful bionic German Shepard Otto. Disguised as >Accountant Nathan Lovejoy, the Renegade and his friends fight a never >ending battle against crime, injustice and danger. This is yet another >entry from Otto's 'personal' log. > The Renegade Files -- "Dinner at the McCandles" The faithful day and hour had arrived at last. It was an evening that our friend the Computer Gila Monster had been preparing for, the evening that Jessica McCandle's family had invited him to their home for dinner. Last month, Jessica ran away from home and was rescued by the Gila Monster. The Gila was very nervous, all of us have been teaching him proper table manners and ettique. I must confess I almost laughed when the Gila Monster arrived in our living room a few minutes ago. He had forsaken his black leather jacket and bluejeans for a three piece blue suit. "Well, how does I look?" the Gila asked me,"Is my tie straight? Is my shirt tail out?" "Relax, my friend!" I said as I walked around the Gila Monster,"you look fine, just remember all the things we've taught you over the last few days." "Right!" the Gila Monster said with a smile,"never slurp your soup, never reach for things on the table, always use utensils, never chew on the tablecloth before the first entree arrives...." "See!" I said happily,"you're going to enjoy this evening!" "But there's so much to remember!" the Gila muttered nervously,"like not wiping your mouth on your sleeve, not belching at the table and always stand up when a lady enter the room." "See!" I barked,"all that training is paying off! It's almost six, you better use your black box and go there now. And Gila, zap yourself to their front door first, you might scare them if you suddenly appeared in their dining room unannounced!" "Good point, Otto!" the Gila said as he started pushing buttons on his black box,"wish me luck, my furry friend!" With a loud BOOM!!!! the Computer Gila Monster was standing at the McCandle's front door. He rang the doorbell and patiently waited for someone to answer it. Jessica opened the door with a beaming grin on her face and showed the Gila inside. Soon, Mr and Mrs McCandles sit down to the dinner table with their daughter and the Gila Monster. The Gila truly acts like a gentleman, he stands up each time one of the ladies leave or enter the room, he asks to have the mashed potatos and rolls passed to him, and he even eats without smacking his mouth. "You know, Gila, may I call you Gila?" Mr McCandles asks,"I certainly had you pegged all wrong. I thought you were a uncivilized creature, but I must admit your manners tonight are very impressive!' "Thank you, sir!" the Gila Monster says with a grin,"and may I say that this here is the best food I ever had!" "You may say that, Gila!" Mrs McCandles says as she nearly blushes,"Jessica tells me you live alone, I'll bet you don't get very many home cooked meals, do you?" "Well," the Gila says with a giggle,"I do alright for myself. When I'm not eating at a friend's house, I'm usually out finding different things to eat." "Like fast food?" Jessica interrupted. "Well, the food I chase is pretty fast sometimes," the Gila Monster admitted,"take ants for example, those little bugs can run, and it takes so many of them to make a good meal! Like I can remember the time ....." The Gila Monster paused to notice that Mr and Mrs McCandle's facial expressions had changed. "Sorry about that, y'all" the Gila Monster said sadly,"I forgot that y'all's mammals. May I change the subject? What's for dessert?" Mr and Mrs McCandles smiled at each other when the Gila Monster asked about dessert. After everyone had eaten, the Gila Monster offered to help clean the table and do the dishes. Mrs McCandles politely refused the offer and as the Gila Monster went upstairs to use the restroom, the doorbell rang. Standing on their front porch was a very well dressed man carrying a briefcase. "My name is Edgar R Newfor, attorney representing the Julio family, may I come in and speak to all of you on an urgent matter?" Mr McCandles let Edgar in, and he sat on the living room sofa and opened his briefcase. It was the Julio's son Timothy who had been Jessica's boyfriend and had gotten her pregnant. "Let me just cut to the chase," Edgar began,"my client knows that their son was 'with' your daughter for many months. My clients really don't want this 'event' to come to public light, after all, Mr Julio wants to seek political office next year. A revelation like this would damage his reputation, so my clients are offering you and your daughter a deal. Sign here and I'll hand you this cashier's check for ten thousand dollars. It's that simple!" "What do we have to do to get this money?" Mr McCandles asked. "All you and your family have to do is to deny that Timothy is the father of your daughter's child, that's all!" Edgar explained,"and that you'll never seek child support or any other legal action against Timothy in the future. Now, hurry up and sign so I can give you your money!" All this time the Gila Monster stood at the top of stairs, listening to the entire conversation. He quickly grabbed his black box and muttered to himself,"I hope I can make this thing work, they need help down there!" "I think this is all wrong!" Jessica said as she almost began to cry,"you want my family and I to lie just to keep Timothy out of trouble!" "Young lady," Edgar bellowed,"this is the best deal you could possibly make with us! Let's face it, kido, the Julio family is loaded and we can keep you in court for years fighting for custody and other matters. You and your family can't afford to hire an attorney to fight my clients! Take the deal and keep quiet!" A loud BOOM!!!! suddenly shook the house as two large dogs, a collie and a brownish looking retriever, came running down the stairs. "Mr and Mrs McCandles!" the Collie barked loudly,"don't sign a thing until we take a look at it!" "Where did these dogs come from?" Mrs McCandles asked in amazement. When Edgar Newfor turned to see who was speaking, and nearly fainted. "Prairie Mason! Ben Maddog!" Edgar shouted nervously,"I don't believe it!" "You KNOW these two dogs?" Jessica McCandles asked. "Young lady, it appears that your parents have two of the finest lawyers in the country working for them!" Edgar said with fear in his voice. "Eddie Newfor!" Prairie Mason barked,"what brings you here? I seem to remember that you and I faced each other in court last week, by the way, how is Wellington Farnsworth getting along?" "He's going to prison for twenty years!" Edgar growled,"thanks to you making him break down on the witness stand!" "The man was guilty of horse race fixing!" Prairie Mason said with a smile,"he deserves punishment!" "May I read that document, sir?" Ben Maddog asked Mr McCandles as Edgar attempted to reach over the coffee table and grab it away from them. "Mr Newfor!" Ben Maddog barked,"is there something in this legal paper you don't want me to see?" Edgar sat dumbfounded as Ben Maddog and Prairie Mason quickly read the document. "Did you know that this agreement has many hidden conditions in it?" Ben Maddog told the McCandles family. "This subparagraph here requires you to move away for here!" Prairie Mason spoke as he pointed with his paw at the legal paper,"if you'd signed this, you had ten days to move away or be forced to return the payment of ten thousand dollars!" "Give me that!" Edgar yelled as he reached once more for the document. "And look at this fine print paragraph here!" Ben Maddog said,"I think your clients are clearly attempting to deceive these fine people, Mr Newfor!" "Now see here, Ben Maddog!" Edgar shouted as he stood up,"you and Prairie need to stay out of this matter! It's none of your business!" "We're making it our business now!" Prairie Mason barked as he turned to the McCandles,"Mr Maddog and I will gladly represent you in court, free of charge!" "Yeah, bozos like Eddie here try to destroy nice working folks like yourselves!" Ben Maddog added,"Prairie and I won't let that happen to you!" "Mr Newfor, please leave our home!" Mrs McCandles said as she pointed to the door. "You heard my wife!" Mr McCandles added,"leave now!" "Please reconsider my client's offer!" Edgar begged. His eyes grew as big as saucers as he saw the Gila Monster walk down the stairs. "Hey, twerp!" the Gila Monster growled,"what part of 'leave' don't you understand?" "Are you another animal lawyer?" Edgar said stuttering. "No, I'm this family's guardian angel!" the Gila Monster said angerly,"the way I see it, mister, you have two choices. You can walk out that front door by your own power, or I'll throw you out that window over there headfirst, which will it be?" Edgar got so frightened when he got a good look at the Gila Monster's face that he immediately got up and ran out the front door, leaving his hat, umbrella and briefcase behind. "What a wimp!" the Gila Monster laughed,"well, I reckon I weren't very mannerly with him, was I?" "That jerk had it coming!" Prairie Mason barked,"this document is full of loopholes and hidden conditions, it's a good thing you brought us here, Gila!" "So, YOU'RE the one who sent for these canine lawyers!" Mr McCandles said with a smile on his face. "Somehow, I just knew that you had something to do with this, Gila!" Jessica shouted as she hugged the Gila Monster. "Well, I couldn't let that goon that advantage of y'all!" the Gila Monster said with a smile,"look at that, the goomer left his suitcase here, I'll bet there's lots of interesting stuff in it!" "Gila, Prairie and I are officers of the court," Ben Maddog said sternly,"we can't go through another lawyer's belongings!" "Well, I ain't no officer!" the Gila said as he grabbed the briefcase,"I'm gonna take a peak at this here thing!" "Mr Mason, Mr Maddog, how can we ever thank you for all you've done for us?" Mrs McCandles asked. "Just make sure this young lady gets the very best care!" Prairie Mason said with a smile,"Jessica, make sure to eat right and see your doctor regularly!" "Better listen to him, Jessica!" Ben Maddog added,"that's the same good advice he gave his wife years ago and you should see his fine looking children now! All of my kids are grown up, four of my daughters work in my law firm!" "I will, Mr Mason!" Jessica said with a smile. "WOW!" the Gila Monster yelled,"look at this, this dingle doof had a list of things he was going to offer you, including twenty thousand dollars if you made Jessica get an abortion!" "That swine!" Ben Maddog growled,"I should've bit him while he was here!" "He's not worth biting!" Prairie Mason growled,"you'd probably catch rabies!" Everyone laughed outloud. Edgar knocked gently on the front door and asked for his hat, umbrella and briefcase back. Mr McCandles took the things to the front door and handed them to him, and watched as he ran as fast as he could to his car. The Gila Monster sat down on the sofa and began laughing hysterically. "What's so funny, Gila?" Ben Maddog asked. "Yeah, what's the joke?" Prairie Mason asked. "I chewed up all of Edgar's legal papers!" the Gila Monster giggled,"wait till he gets back to his office and has to tell everyone that a lizard ate his paperwork!" Everyone laughed together. As Mr and Mrs McCandles sat in the living room and talked with Prairie and Ben, Jessica came over to the Gila Monster and hugged him again. "Thank you for everything!" Jessica said as she embraced him,"may I ask you a question, sir?" "Go right ahead, ma'am!" the Gila Monster said. "When my baby is born, will you be it's godfather?" "Godfather! WOW!! Does that mean I gits to wear a ganster hat and make people offers they can't refuse?" "No, no, Gila. A Godfather is someone who always watches over a child ...." "Like a guardian angel?" "Well, sort of...." "Of course I'll do it! It would be an honor, ma'am!" And that's how the Computer Gila Monster became a Godfather. It seems unlikely that a gruff, leather jacketed old reptile could ever be asked to fulfill such a role. I must admit, though, that underneath that 'tough guy' personna, the Gila Monster has a heart of gold. It took a kind hearted person like Jessica McCandles to see him for who he truly is. I was told by Ben and Prairie that the Gila hated to leave that evening, the Gila kept blaming the poor lighting for the teardrops in his eyes. In some ways, I think that now the Gila Monster would make a good human! --------------------------------------------------------------------------